Nintendo has politely informed GamesIndustry.biz that claims of a new DS -- one equipped with twice as many touch screens -- fall under the nebulous and frenziedly debated category of "rumors and speculation." The story initially originated on Kotaku, which suggested that the new DS model would not be announced until early next year. More likely, you can expect to hear about it the day after Nintendo UK's David Yarnton pretends he's never heard of it.

Nintendo has affixed a timeline to the vague, yet sincere promise that games based on the company's "core" franchises are in development. "We still have developers working on popular core gaming franchises but we need longer to complete these games, approximately two to three years," Nintendo stated in the October issue of Edge, as reported by Eurogamer. "These games are not ready to launch in early 2009 but are being worked on by all development teams." So sit back, twiddle some other thumbsticks, and let those other folk navigate the slopes for a while. Your turn's a comin'.

[Via Wii Fanboy; image credit: striatic]

For most of you, this news won't mean much, but we'd urge you to stick around anyway, just so you can see the look on the others' faces (it'll be worth it): A new Jagged Alliance is in development for DS by Strategy First Inc. and Cypron Studios. Aww, look at the fans lighting up! Look how they're doing that little happy dance around the room! Wasn't it worth it non-fans? Are you glad you stayed?

If you're not familiar with JA, a turn-based tactical action game, it may not be a case of negligence on your part: There hasn't been a real iteration of the series since 1999. But, as we're sure the fans have already told you, it's worth tracking down. We know that Atari's publishing this new entry, but we don't have a release window (sorry, fans). But please, don't stop dancing, it's adorable.

We had a little trouble picking our favorite release this week. Though Mario Super Sluggers made a compelling case, in the end, we had to go with the little game that helped the 360 rise, phoenix-like from the ashes in Japan (before, you know, it dug right back in to those comfy ashes the following week): Tales of Vesperia.

Portable players get some good news this week too with the handheld release of N+. Check the full list right after the break.

Here's a fun fact you may not be aware of -- a majority of Joystiq's readers fall into the 65 - 80-year-old age bracket, explaining why a majority of our ads are for prescription arthritis medication, Stouffer's Seasoned Bread Stuffing, and seasons of Matlock on DVD. As such, only a select few of you know that many schools across the country will be back in session tomorrow. The anguish among the nation's young people is almost tangible -- excluding those whose schools operate on a quarterly schedule, or homeschoolers, or Guitar Hero aficionados with irresponsible hippie parents.

With all the superb, high-quality games that dropped this summer, we wouldn't blame you for feeling like your scholastic minds aren't exactly at their sharpest. Instead of doing your summer reading of The Sun Also Rises or attending your bi-weekly Algebra Club meetings, you focused your attention on moving up the ranks of Battlefield: Bad Company or toiling through the story modes of Soul Calibur IV. Luckily, the repercussions of your educational neglect aren't as severe as you might fear -- somewhat subliminally, these Japanese hardware sales posts have provided subtle instruction over the long, humid summer months.

Don't believe us? Perhaps you don't recall the various history lessons we've snuck into your consciousness. It seems you also don't realize the firm understanding of the statistical sciences we've surreptitiously imbued into your unaware mind. How quickly you've forgotten the important baking lesson that will certainly serve you well as you enter your incredibly challenging Home Economics course. Finally, think back to the valuable lessons of acceptance, resourcefulness, and stick-to-itiveness we imparted as we faced our own work-related hardships.

Hemingway is for the birds; we'd wager that as you grace the halls of your learning establishment tomorrow morning, you'll find yourself better equipped than your contemporaries for the mental challenges provided by your educators -- and for that, we have just one thing to say. You're very, very welcome.

- DS Lite: 78,666 18,232 (30.17%)
- PSP: 64,413 5,912 (10.11%)
- Wii: 53,036 14,530 (37.73%)
- PS3: 11,393 1,720 (17.78%)
- PS2: 10,168 1,665 (19.58%)
- Xbox 360: 7,358 17,604 (70.52%)

[Source: Media Create]

See: The scholastic archives

We're so jealous of Lara Croft. Not for her frequent adventures, or her physical fitness, or her swanky pad, or even her loyal manservant -- with the lifestyle and wages of a professional video game blogger, all of those things become readily available. There's one aspect of her life we still manage to covet, however -- her international travels. Sure, we occasionally get to head to the west coast, or Germany, but in her latest title, Tomb Raider: Underworld, Ms. Croft manages to hit up Mexico, the Arctic Sea, and in the above video, the lush jungles of Thailand.

The sneak preview features some excellent shots of the second level of Underworld, not to mention a fantastic look at Lara's beautiful ... platforming animation. Considering the unlikelihood of the Thailand Video Game Expo ever existing, we regret to admit that it's probably the closest we'll ever come to The Land of Smiles.

In honor of the new PSP Brite moniker, we present the Lite Brite. Here's what we'll be playing this weekend. Be sure to let us know what games will be occupying your time!

• Alexander Sliwinski: Well, after a debilitating incident where some new RAM killed my PC weeks ago, I should have my baby back to me today with several new upgrades. First up: Some glorious all-levels-on-max Sins of a Solar Empire. Also making some headway with the Fable II Pub games (without cheating) and some Civ Rev multiplayer.
• Andrew Yoon: Finally, I'm going to spend some alone time with Braid. <3
• Christopher Grant: I've got a full plate of partially played games – I need to hunker down, pick one, and make some progress. Too Human, Fable 1, Bionic Commando Rearmed, Pixel Junk Eden, and Siren. Oh, and Star Wars: The Force Unleashed should be in my hands next week, so I don't have much time to take care of all this. Why is life so hard?
• Griffin McElroy: I'm still working on Final Fantasy IV, which I've purposefully slowed progress on as I approach one of the saddest moments in video game history. I don't want to get all misty-eyed in public, you see. Perhaps I'll play a little more Geometry Wars 2 as well, if Justin can finally manage to beat my score on Pacifism (the only reason I could be persuaded to return to that unforgiving grid).
• Kevin Kelly: Fable 2 Pub Games for me, plus I'm demoing a tabletop game called Monsterpocalypse that looks like a ton of fun. And I'm still finding a way to cram Halo 3 into the nooks and crannies of my free time, and I'm looking to have that addiction checked out soon.
• Kyle Orland: Now that I'm done with "Moving to Pittsburgh: The Game" I'll be practicing my drumming for the impending Rock Band 2 release. I'm also still struggling to get those last few puzzle pieces in Braid and resisting the urge to use an FAQ because Jonathan Blow doesn't want me to.
• James Ransom-Wiley: Jonesing to finish up Bionic Commando Rearmed, but I'm headed out of town ... why is Remote Play so laggy? Thinking I might cop Bangai-O Spirits...
• Jason Dobson: With one week to go till I move across the country, the consoles are packed and the only game I'm playing is fighting with the moving company to make sure my stuff is there when I arrive. I've lost two men so far.
• Justin McElroy: If there's a merciful God in heaven above I'll be able to solve the Too Human game tape and finally move on with my life.
• Ludwig Kietzmann: With a patch on the way, I've decided to halt my progress through Alone in the Dark. I still have a survival-horror itch to be scratched and/or violently torn out, so I'll return to Silent Hill: Origins on my soon-to-be-outdated PSP Slim. While I'm there, I'll kill Crisis Core's final boss and close the chapter on that time-sucking mess of side missions. Lastly, I'll try and make some time for No More Heroes, which I've neglected for far too long.
• Randy Nelson: I'm off on a Quest for Booty this weekend – after I've finally gotten my fill of saving the same several hundred people over and over (and over) again in The Last Guy demo.
  
• Ross Miller: I'm taking a break from the ION drum set until I can try it with Rock Band 2 (the verdict with RB1 wouldn't be so good, as the cymbals don't register without some serious drum thwacking). Instead, I will be working through his first week of homework (one more semester to go!) and, when time permits, run through The Force Unleashed demo. Maybe I'll pick up Too Human and see what all the fuss is about.

Oh Myst, whatever happened to you? We loved you when you were original, and we loved you even more when Riven came out. Then we were rudely slapped in the face when the game left Cyan and Ubisoft released Myst III: Exile and later Myst IV: Ages of Revelation. We tried to be chipper when you went back to Cyan and Myst V: End of Ages came out, but honestly too much water had passed under the bridge. Maybe because of the Uru: Ages Beyond Myst / Myst Online: Uru Live debacle.

But... what's this? You're coming to the iPhone? And you're being developed by Cyan? Well, glory be. However, you promised as a PSP version, and we're still waiting on that. It came out in Europe in 2006, so what gives? We know your DS version came out recently, but it is not being universally loved.

We know you might be too busy and Hollywood now, with your movie deal and iPhone announcement. But, we're still smarting from our past experiences. We'll give you another chance, but you'll need to hurry along while we're still smitten with the iPhone. And please, don't call it iMyst. Myst will do just fine. You wouldn't want us to get Pyst all over again.

[Update: We just heard from one of the gents working on the game (Yeah, that's the kind of pull we have) and they tell us "I'm pretty darn sure we're only calling it iMyst internally as a goofy moniker. I really doubt you've got anything to worry about with regards to rebranding of the game. Who knows, maybe if it does well, other Cyan games will follow." Good news all around!]

This has to be one of the most incredibly overproduced game trailers in existence. It's like SEGA and BioWare hired the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack producer and forced him to write a full-blown soundtrack for Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood. Sonic has never had so much fanfare, especially on such a small system.

Zack nailed this in his hands-on impression, and the gameplay backs it up, but it looks like you could have dropped any ol' characters into this real-time RPG. When we hear the name Sonic, we tend to think hyper-speed running and gold rings flying all over the place. Call us old fashioned.

Still, this trailer is sure to wake you if you're in that end-of-the-week coma.

We believe it was Rob Zombie's kid brother Spider One who said "One by one they will be hand chosen, now this is what it's like when worlds collide." Could Spider have actually been peering into the future to write about LesbianGeek's labor of love that plops the Battlestar Galactica universe squarely into Animal Crossing Wild World.

A geekgasm, you say? Too early in the morning for something as nerdtastic as watching Starbuck and Season 3 mustache-enabled Adama pose with their Tom Nook-brand goods? Maybe. But it's Friday, so we're living out here on the edge.

Behold: Tornado. What's the game about? Does it really matter? From what we can stomach gather, this ludicrous video – complete with a crappy rip-off of Danny Elfman's Pee-Wee's Big Adventure score – shows a game that looks like a Katamari Damacy clone, is played by swirling the stylus on the DS screen, and stars the love child of Shadow the Hedgehog and Aero the Acro-Bat.

Oh, and what is up with that poor raccoon? Or the little girl with the dead eyes and creepy smirk? The whole thing looks like footage David Lynch could have shot after going off his drugs. There's a second spot after the break, but you might want to take a moment to compose yourself before clicking through, since it's just as hysterically awful. You have been warned.

Sega has a mighty lineup on public display (and behind closed doors) at Leipzig Games Convention 2008, comprised of titles from the East and West. MadWorld and Bayonetta, its collaborations with former Clover Studios staff, are there, as are Sonic games, strategy titles, DS wares, and more. But there's nary a sign of PSP support to be found. And it was doing so well with games like Crush. Ah well. You can check out screenshot galleries of everything Sega has on show after the break.

Wha? What is this? Well, to offer you a more streamlined recap of the goings-on in the Nintendo world, we've combined the DS Lite and Wii Fanboy Weekly recaps into one powerhouse, now dubbed Nintendo Fanboy Weekly. Hopefully, you'll like the new approach.

But enough of that, check out our links. They're homegrown with the finest original features and old coffee grinds.

The Best of DS

• DS Fanboy Review: Bangai-O Spirits
  Treasure's latest is an absolute, uh, treasure
• Point/Counterpoint: The Worth of Chrono Trigger DS
  Really worth the high price tag?
• Gaming to Go: Planet Puzzle League
  See why this one's perfect for the on-the-go gamer
• The DS Life: Captionz Needed
  Kitties and DSes = awwwwwww
• Show and Tell: Put it on
  Our weekly look at the latest creations from the DS community

The Best of Wii

• Wii Fanboy @ EA Summer Showcase: Nerf-N-Strike
  Our hands-on writeup of the peripheral and game
• Want to watch DVDs on your Wii? Let us show you how
  Our step-by-step guide on watching movies on your Wii
• Wii Fanboy @ EA Summer Showcase: Boogie Superstar
  Our hands-on writeup of EA's next installment in the franchise
• Born for Wii: Rogue Squadron
  The game gets re-imagined for Wii
• VC Monday Madness: Mega Man and Neo Turf Masters
  I'm like the best Mega Man player in the world
• Point/Counterpoint: Pros and Conduits
  We debate the hype surrounding The Conduit
• Revolutionary: Special Effects
  A technical look at why games look good

Gosh, now we've made him sound like a kidnapper. Jake Power -- who we imagine to be Jack Bauer for kids and hard-of-hearing adults -- is a new brand of games for the Nintendo DS. Fitting neatly into Ubisoft's "Games for Everyone" range, the titles have been created for "boys ages five to eight years" and promise to indulge the men-in-progress with three "dream jobs," namely "Policeman," "Fire-Fighter" and "Handyman."

Wait a minute ... Handyman? Seriously, Ubisoft, this is 2008. We all know every young boy dreams of being a totally awesome, professional blogger one day! Who wouldn't want to sit around in their underwear, caressing nothing but a keyboard and a small tuft of distinguishing chin hair? Who wouldn't want to churn out snarky video game commentary, even if it comes at the expense of any tangible human connections? So what if there's no money or meaningful reward in it? It's not like you're throwing your life into a bottomless pit of aggressive anti-socialism and repetitive self-deprecating humor ... Just leave us alone, okay?!

Also, the Jake (and Sam and Tim) Power Fire-Fighter and Policeman games are due in North America in November 2008, with Handyman (freakin' Handyman!) following in early 2009.

To be blunt, after some of the series' most disappointing entries, Need for Speed Undercover has something to prove. Today, EA revealed some of the features of the November release, the opening salvo in the battle to win back our hearts (unless you count the announcement of Maggie Q's involvement ... which we do not.)

You'll be taking down a crime syndicate with Ms. Q (if you're nasty), a story that will be presented with the help of live-action footage (hooray!). From a gameplay perspective, the big draw seems to be the Heroic Driving System, which EA describes as "a unique technology that generates incredible high-performance moves at 180 miles per hour during breathtaking highway battles." ... So, it's an emergency brake?

Maybe it's just our relief from the yucky, Far 2 Fast and Uncom4tably Furious aesthetic that's plagued the series recently, but this new entry sounds like a breath of fresh air. Well, Undercover, it would seem we, much like the Ghostbusters, are ready to believe in you.